The Hard Goodbye, Part III

My job application was in at the restaurant my future friends all worked at. Who knew that a place of employment could have as much influence on the rest of your life as this place did? It was insane! It was Bennigan's...

Never heard of it? I didn't, until I went there. There were all kinds of abstract things hung on the wall, things that most people would consider clutter. Bowling pins, pool sticks, pictures from old advertisements... Eclectic if you will. It had an Irish theme... Like an Irish version of Applebee's. Everyone that I had met so far either worked at this place or worked at Disney World. Or both.

I just Googled the location I worked at, and it's apparently gone. Like most of the things I had there... I'll explain that soon.

So handing in the application... They practically had to twist the managers' arms to get me an interview! Little did I know, the man I actually handed my application to would later me the father of my child. Crazy how things work out, right? I could have done this like the whole... "How I Met Your Father" thing, but most of you who know me, know who the father is... So let's not waste our time.

He was wearing a bright orange Bennigan's shirt that he had gotten from one of his corporate trips. He used to travel around the world, opening different locations and training the new employees. Sounds ambitious, right? Sounds like the kind of thing that someone else I knew would have been interested in. When I handed him my application, Brown Boot was actually standing up at the front waiting for me. We did that, before we went off with some other friends to go to the Simpson's Movie midnight premiere. So the first time I met him, the only thing I thought was, "He's cute." And I ran down and wrapped my arms around Brown Boot. He was my forever man. My lobster. And I didn't need anyone else.

The night of the Simpson's Movie premiere was fun, from what I remember. The whole time, Brown Boot referred to me as "his old lady". I was wrapped around his finger. I had butterflies the entire time. I didn't want it to end, whatever "it" was. He had made effort to come to Florida to see me, even though he was just a couple hours away.

It gave me a false hope that things could work. I had so many dreams about him coming down to visit every time he went to Georgia, which was usually twice a year.

I had dreams about he and I and a hotel with fireworks, and kissing at midnight on New Year's which we had never done before.

I had dreams about being a princess and finally having my happily ever after with my knight in shining whatever.

He joined in our jokes. He was part of the Florida family, even if it was the only time that many of these people would meet him. Him being there... I can't explain it. He wanted me to be there, to learn and grow. He knew, for whatever reason, that I needed to be there.

He and I had one more "last night" together. We slept, totally intertwined on the couch, like we always were. It didn't matter how big of a space we had to sleep. We would be wrapped up around each other, occupying the least amount of space we possibly could, not because we needed to. Because we wanted to. We couldn't get enough.

The next morning, still wrapped in each others arms, we said our goodbyes... Of course I tried to convince him to stay a little longer... But he needed to drive back to his family in Georgia. Across the border. We had to go our separate ways, again.

It was so hard to watch him go.

I walked him to his mom's white convertible that he had driven down for the night. I held him close and kissed him a million times. Each kiss getting longer, and each kiss not feeling long enough. With the top down, he backed out of his parking space, gave me one last kiss, and drove out of the gate, waving his hand as I stared off in the direction he was going.

I stood there for a solid five minutes before I moved. For some reason, I felt that if I stayed where I was, he would come back to me. I would see that car come back around the corner. He would get out, hug me, and tell me he wanted to be with me forever, and convince me to spend my life with him... which wouldn't take much convincing, let's be honest here.

He didn't come back. He was gone. He was headed back to Georgia, and I didn't know when I would see him again.

Had I forgotten that part of the reason I went to Florida in the first place was to get out of the cycle I was in with him? Or was I convinced that something new had started? Had I broken the cycle?

Questions filled my mind... I didn't care where I was, or how much distance was put between us. I knew that I was going to love him forever.

And that's when I broke down.

I had tears running down my face as I walked back to Jamie's apartment. I wanted forever with this man, and he kept going out of my life. Who knew how things were going to be when Brown Boot was gone? I didn't go to Florida to date. I went there to learn and grow and get on with my life. Of course I wanted to be with Brown Boot forever. Even if it was just in emotion. Physical closeness would have been nice too, but I just wanted that feeling of him loving me and wanting to spend forever with me, even if he physically wasn't there.

When I got back to the apartment, I hugged my person, and sobbed like a freaking baby.

Was this goodbye yet?

No... that comes a later.

But that night called for Grey's Anatomy, frosting, cookies, and wine.... And possibly a couple packs of cigarettes.

when doubt starts to set in...

There are a lot of moments that are engraved into my brain from the few days I had after I came back to Utah from Florida to pack up my small apartment... And all of them started running though my brain while I sat at my parent's counter top in their kitchen after I had brought my last load of crap to their house. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe, reminding myself that it was the right thing.

Between sobs, I talked to my mom and my brother. I had said goodbye to a majority of the family. We had a little, "Amanda is moving out of the state, time to say goodbye" party, which consisted of a BBQ and as much family as we could gather, but that still isn't something I remember very well.

I remember sobbing, resting my head on the cold counter top, and telling myself to breathe.

And listening to Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson over and over again. The words spoke to me. The explained my situation. They hit home, or Florida, if we're speaking in a literal sense.

This time that I was spending, crying on that counter, was the last time I would see both of my parents for a year. And that was hard. Little did I know, it was the last time I would see both of them living in that house.

It was the moment I realized what I was leaving behind. And that was everything. My materialistic belongings? I would only have what I could fit on the plane. And I was okay with that. I was prepared for the adventure. Or so I thought.

The past week was running through my head. My apartment was totally empty, and I didn't even have my keys anymore. I would be staying with my cute adopted sister in the apartment below me that night, and she would be driving me to the airport in the morning... And memories started flooding my mind, like they were attacking me one by one, trying to get me to stay.

Mike is this guy that I had dated off and on when I wasn't on with Brown Boot... He started out as a drunk accident when I was in a terrible emotional state, and just kind of stayed around. He was hard to get rid of... I knew I loved him, but I also knew that he wasn't good for me and that I didn't honestly want to be with him, which is why I kept leaving. Here he was, ready for marriage, and I knew I didn't want it with him...

Anyway, when I had made my decision to leave, Mike was dating another girl. They were pretty serious, living together. He kept telling me he would never love her like he loved me, yet he wouldn't leave her for me. Like he was trying to keep me around for whatever reason... There was a night when I was packing up my things and he wanted to come over to say goodbye. I was sitting on his lap outside on my balcony, looking at the city stars and having a cigarette in the sweet summer air, and he started crying. He begged me not to go. He was afraid he would never see me again. He cried again when we went back inside and talked on the floor of my living room. The bed he bought me for Valentine's day was gone. Everything was gone. All that I had was clumps of dog hair all over the floor, and some other items that I was still sorting through. He kissed me and I cried... But I sucked it up and told him to leave... And kept telling him that

I had to do this. I had to leave. And he kept begging me to stay...

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I had to. I knew that if I didn't leave, I would stay in this disgusting cycle that I was in with him, and that it wasn't going to be good for me. I needed to get out. There was something for me in Florida. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was there.

The morning after Brown Boot and I had our "last night" together played in my head. I woke up, totally wrapped up in him like no time had passed between that time, and the time we woke up in the same bed before that. Our bodies were totally intertwined, and I can tell you for a fact that since I was with him I have never woken up like that. I woke up smiling. We were both smiling. Sweaty. Loved. It felt natural, like we had been doing it forever, and like it would continue until the day we died. I could feel his breath on my neck and his chest hair tickling my back when we breathed... and each breath was taken together. I was scared of leaving Utah,

because I knew it would put me farther away from him,

and he was the big thing I wanted. If he asked me to stay I would have. But he didn't... In fact, he encouraged me to go.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

At the coffee house, people kept telling me that I wouldn't really go. They kept telling me that it was a joke. They didn't believe me. Which made me want to go even more. I loved my job at the time, but now I know I would never go back even if the owner asked me to (and he has, by the way...). I knew that there was some thing better

for me in Florida.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I had images of the city blurring through my mind... The coffee houses, the trees, the avenues, the U of U, the mountains, the lake... All of was wizzing through my head. And it started spinning. Breakaway played in my head, over and over.... and I knew I had to go.

I have to leave.

Keep breathing.

I have to leave.

Keep breathing.

Before I knew it, that little adopted sister I keep mentioning was dropping me off at the curbside check in and giving me a kiss goodbye. We took a couple pictures with our phones, hugged, kissed a few more times, and I was on my way in through security. It all blurred past me... The only thing I remember from the airport now, was getting on the plane and listing to the Florida mix I had made on my iPod before I had packed away my computer.

Once the plane took off and I felt the pressure change of being up in the air and flying over the mountains, my mantra changed. I felt okay. I knew I could do it.

This is right.

This is right.

I'm headed where I need to be.

This is right.

This is right.

I'm headed where I need to be...

Palm trees.

Who is this Willy person, and what's his obsession with coconuts?

I hardly remember the flight... I remember getting off one plane... Getting on another, and then landing. And being extremely nervous.

My friend, my person, and possibly my soul mate was excited to have me come to visit. I couldn't wait to see her, that much I knew. In the days leading up to my visit, she had me talking to one of her friends that she had met down there through her new boyfriend. His name is Eddie, and he is a really genuine guy. She was already getting me to talk to people and get them to convince me to make my trip a little more permanent...

I remember the plane landing... and once they said it was okay to use cell phones and other gadgets, I turned my phone on. I looked out the windows... Dark. But I could still see palm trees surrounding the buildings... Palm trees. Florida. I felt automatically like I was home. My phone vibrated, and then screamed. Man, I miss that ring tone... It always freaked everyone out. Really, all it meant was that I had a text message.

"Let us know when you land."

It was from my person! I was so excited... I wrote her a text as fast as my little fingers would let me....

"PALM TREES!"

I finally noticed what time it was... Around ten. The two hour time difference still had me wired, even though I had been flying most of the day. I did have a couple cups of coffee... They said they already had plans for that night.... I couldn't wait to drop my things off, get ready and see what all the fuss was about with Florida... Even though I loved it already... Palm trees, for crying out loud! Not Pine or Maple or Spruce! PALM!

My phone screamed again...

"LOL you must be here... We'll meet out outside of baggage claim!"

"PALM TREES!"

"LOL"

I walked off the plane... Dazed. The air still felt so warm and humid. So much more humid than I was used to. It was like taking a drink of water every time I took a breath... but things like that were easy for me to get used to. I had my Strawberry Shortcake backpack strapped to my back and my purse hanging on my side... and it felt like I couldn't get there fast enough... I waited to get on the train, (a train? in the airport?) and my foot was tapping... I couldn't wait to see her.

I walked past security, on my way to pick up my MASSIVE suitcase, when I heard screaming... Good screaming! It was my person! She noticed me first, and I saw her doing our happy dance through the crowd of people... Dancing on her toes, and hopping up and down. Once it was finally okay to run, she and I booked it straight into each other's arms...

"DARLING!"

"I've missed you so bad!"

"PALM TREES!!"

"I know!"

I couldn't let her go... Tears started to form in my eyes, and I knew I never wanted to go that long without my best friend again. So much had happened in such a small amount of time, and she and I really needed each other.

Eddie was standing behind her, which meant that her boyfriend, Jamie was in the car. Even though we still didn't know each other that well, he gave me a hug. My person and I could not stop holding on to each other.... We made our way to grab my bag, our arms still wrapped around each other, and then finally to the car...

Jamie was waiting outside. We threw my things in and climbed inside is Mazda. The air was so humid! It took a little more effort for me to breathe.

"Fa...fa... family butt time!" Eddie called from the seat next to me.

"Say what now?" I had no idea what he was talking about... but once the rules were explained to me, this game, I knew, would be the death of me.

"Oh dear... we're getting her started early...." Manda, my person, groaned from the front seat.

Jamie just started laughing. They were all pulling cigarettes out from their packs, and I couldn't be happier. I hadn't smoked since before I left Salt Lake City. Windows down, humid air streaming in, and me watching the palm trees fly by as we headed to our next destination.

"Family butt time... Any time anyone calls it, whoever in the area that smokes in our little family, or whoever else is around for that matter, has thirty seconds to pull out a cigarette and smoke." Jamie explained. "No matter what they're doing. Seriously."

"They caught me when I was in the shower." Manda started, laughing at the memory. "I was wrapped in a towel, with shampoo still in my hair!"

"Gotcha." I laughed and took a heavy drag. I brought my favorites with me so it shouldn't be a problem. "So... how far away is your house, because I really really really have to change and make it look like I haven't been traveling all day."

"We're not going home." Eddie smiled.

"Uh... k?"

"We're going to the bar! It's part of your initiation to Florida, Love." Manda turned around in her seat to explain. "You have to go to Coconut Willy's. And it's on the way home from the airport."

"Alright...?"

"I want to see how much this girl can drink... Family butt time!"

"Come on, Eddie! I just finished!" Manda moaned as she turned back to face forward.

"I don't mind." Jamie pulled out another one and lit it with his zippo with a smile.

"They don't call me 'Two-beer Mandy' for no reason! Palm trees!" I squealed! I couldn't get over it, still. Everyone just laughed at me.

"Palm trees..." Manda echoed.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up to this infamous bar that Manda had been telling me about while we talked on the phone. Now I was going to see everything and everyone she had been talking about. She didn't say anything bad about Florida, aside from her own person experiences. But those were not typical of every person here... and she still loved it.

Coconut Willy's was underneath a hotel.... There were neon lights, blue and green, with the name in huge letters, and a double decker bus parked in the parking lot, and I could already hear the music blasting from inside... Karaoke. Oh dear... Apparently there were a lot of people from England in the area because of the college program too... Hence the bus sitting out front...

Jamie pulled into the parking lot and snagged a prime space up front, and Eddie called FBT, yet again, as we climbed out and walked towards the doors. They were already being greeted by people lounging around the tables out front... With the palm trees. Names and faces blurred... there were too many to try to remember right now. I knew as soon as I got a couple drinks in me, I would forget them anyway. It had been a long day, and I just needed my brain to stop working.

By the time I finally made it inside with Manda, Jamie and Eddie had already gotten two pitchers of Bud Light for us with four glasses. More names and faces and handshakes and hugs blurred into my mind as we attempted to make our way to the table. They had just pushed another one against two more. So many people. Palm trees. Florida. Home. That's all I could keep thinking. I took a sip of beer... and it tasted like... Beer. Not water, like it tasted in Utah. It tasted like real beer. I knew I was going to like it here.

My glass was never empty. After I would drink even just a little bit, someone would fill it up when I wasn't paying attention, making it almost impossible to keep track of how many pints were actually consumed. I don't remember the shots... I just remember being overly happy to finally be surrounded by people who didn't know everything I had just left behind, and to finally have a grin on my face. I didn't need to worry about running into people here. They were all new. They all had smiles on their faces, and were actually happy. New experiences. New life. New everything. Fresh start.

I stepped outside to take everything in once again... I deep breath in of nicotine, and a sigh of relief out meant only one thing. I wanted to make Florida home.

who, what, where, when, and... WHY??

July. 2007.

My best friend had left months before to Florida, and I felt miserable. Sure, I had my own friends. I had an awesome apartment in downtown Salt Lake City. I had a really cool job that would never pay me enough for the work I did, and I was kinda satisfied with how my life was going... But a lot was missing. I still felt empty. The lease was up on my apartment, and I could go month to month (with some extra money I didn't have involved....), I could find a new place, I could get roommates, or I could move out of the state. So how did my decision finally get made? Why did I do what I decided to do? That will come with some more explaining...

My head was a mess. I knew I wanted something new, and that I could do so much better than I had been. I had been in my dark and twisty place for a long time, and couldn't seem to pull myself out of it, for whatever reason. I let the same guys keep messing with my head, and it just seemed to get worse day by day. One in particular had seriously destroyed me, almost beyond repair, and there will be more on him later... or in previous blogs if you care to look. (www.notsogeniusmind.blogspot.com).

It took a lot of coaxing... Maybe I just needed to get out for a little while and see what was out there. Check my options. Listen to the advice of those that knew me best.

I'm not really sure how, but I decided that I was going to move out of the state. I'm pretty sure it was because I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of Brown Boot... Every time I saw the damn mountains, trees, anything downtown (especially the U of U campus, and sadly enough my own apartment...), bodies of water... Every time I thought about camping, riding a bike, or doing anything, I thought of him. Seriously. My life was tainted by him, and I needed to get out. I needed to forget. And I needed somewhere I had never been to with him. I knew I could never move on if I thought about him every where I looked and every corner I turned. That damn Brown Boot had been walking all over my life and destroying everything as if he were Godzilla...

Or an even better description would be the scene from "Lelo and Stitch" where stitch builds a city, and then destroys it. Mr. Brown Boot had literally built up my life, and was taking his sweet time destroying every little part of it. He built me up, and tore me down... I don't think he'll ever know the amount of damage he did. And I still don't believe that he knows he was a big reason why I left in the first place.

As for moving out of the state, I had three options. Hawaii, Florida, or Oregon.

My best friend from first grade lived in Oregon, where I grew up... and I was dying to live there once again. She had a place for me, she had dogs, and I already knew where stuff was around the area. I was more than welcome, and in fact, she had been trying to convince me to move back.

Someone who used to be a friend, but never really was that great of one... Actually, they were the worst friend I ever had to be completely honest. I'll talk about that stuff at some point. Only we'll change her name so that if she ever reads this, she won't get even more mad at me than she already is.... Anyway. Someone I thought was my friend had moved to Hawaii, and loved it. I used my best judgement, and ruled this idea out completely. I needed something a little less "stranded-in-the-middle-of-the-ocean-away-from-everything-I-know" if you catch my drift.

My best friend, that I had ironically met through Brown Boot, lived in Florida. She hated the Disney College Program that she had originally gone down there for, finally broke things off with a friend that was much like the friend I mentioned in my previous paragraph, and she had broken up with her boyfriend and found someone so much better. She had a job where she made plenty of money, and she was happier than she had been in a long time.They lived close enough to hear the fireworks at DisneyWorld, they went to the beach, and they had a good group of people, and a lot of fun.... She was still having just as hard of a time without me as I was having without her... And her boyfriend, who is amazing by the way, said that he would buy me a plane ticket to come visit for a week and then let me decide what to do. Maybe this was what I needed.

I took the bate for Florida. I needed my friend and she needed me, and some palm trees and sandy beaches wouldn't hurt either. Jamie, my friend's boyfriend, bought the ticket, and I started packing my bags for a trip that would change the rest of my life more than I could imagine.