and so it begins....

I didn't try to keep him.

Brown Boot.

I could have fought harder to get him to say he loved me. I could have fought harder to have our first New Year's together. I kept having the same dream, with us kissing at midnight for the first time with fireworks going off in the background.

But I didn't.

And it wasn't easy at all. It was one of the hardest things I had to do.

I waited for him to say something. For him to do something. I'm not really sure what I was waiting for, but I was waiting for something. Some grand romantic gesture? For him to randomly show up at my doorstep or at work with a massive bouquet of lilies? I have no idea what I was waiting for.

No, I do. I was waiting for the bike. He told me so many times that he wanted to give me a real bike.

I need to backtrack a few years. Back to our first pretend Christmas together. We never got to spend the actualy holiday together, because he was always with family in other states. So over a month before he left one year, we decided to have our own.

We set up a little tree and lit the fire and baked the Pillsbury orange rolls, because that's part of Christmas. That was the year I made the quilt for him. I have no idea if he still sleeps with it at night. Last I heard, he still has it. But who knows if it's even in the same state as he is. I tried to make it like his favorite things... The fabric had snowflakes on most of it, and then there was fabric I picked because it reminded me of the ocean. Two seemingly different things coming together to form something beautiful... A tribute to us, if you will.

He kept going off about how excited he was about my gift, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. He kept dropping hints... and all the hints were totally off.

He was so excited to see me play on it.

He couldn't wait to put it together.

It's going to be so exciting!

The last one was right, but the others were totally off. Of course, I had no idea at the time.

So when I sat in his dad's old white(ish) chair while he went outside to get my gift.

Um... Outside?

That chair was comfortable... worn down from years of relaxing... worn down so much, that the stuffing was coming out of the armrests. And it was very hard to tell the chair was ever bright white. The chair was comfortable, and I was nervous.

Then he walked in with my gift... which happened to be a bike with some wrapping paper wrapped around the middle and a bow. It was his dad's bike. And he was beaming.

He had apparently bought the bike from his dad to give to me because his dad was giving me a new one. He had the biggest grin on his face, and was literally bouncing up and down with excitement.

"Go ahead! Ride it! I want to see you use your gift!"

Um.... okay....?

I climbed on the bike and started to steer it outside, and felt his hand on my elbow, and I heard him laughing. He told me to stop, and told me to sit back down, that the bike wasn't really my gift.

The bike went back outside, and I went back into the chair. Nervous. Palms sweaty. Heart racing.

Then he brought out the little silver bag.

A little silver bag, with white and green tissue paper poking out of the top.

He got down on one knee in front of me and waited for me to open the gift...

I pulled out a little red box, with a tiny little snap that kept it closed. And my heart started beating faster. Tears started forming in my eyes, but I didn't want to get too excited until I saw what was inside that little red box.

I opened it.

I looked into his eyes.

And I started sobbing.

Inside, I found one of the most unique rings I have ever seen. White gold and small diamonds. A heart with three diamonds on either side, and seven diamonds forming a flower (or what looks more like a snowflake to me) in the middle. I loved it.

I wrapped my arms around him while he told me how it wasn't an engagement ring... It was a promise ring. A promise that no matter what happened, he would always love me. That one day, he knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

So, since then, we joked about him giving me a real bike. He promised me multiple times to make me an actual mountain bike so we could ride together, and he promised to get me a different kind of bike.

Was that what I was waiting for? No. I could have gone after him. I could have kept pushing to talk to him, but in my experience with him before, that didn't work. So I tried my hardest to let go. I tried to push him out of my life and out of my mind.

Drinking helped. Drinking gave me liquid courage. It gave me an escape... so a good part of my life in Florida became a drunk blur. I can't tell you how many nights after work we went to the bar, because it was pretty much every night. Usually the same bar.

The same freaking Coconut Willy's. I gained courage and sang a lot of karaoke as time went by. I got my confidence back. I tried to find myself outside of Brown Boot.

That's why I left Utah in the first place. I didn't go to Florida so he could follow me there. I went there to find myself, specifically to not date anyone or get involved with anyone in a romantic way.

I was knitting a sweater.

Sometimes, before you can get the courage to find yourself, you have to be able to totally lose yourself. And that's exactly what I had to do.

My songs for Brown Boot at this moment?

"Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie
"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson

To this day they still make me think of him...

(That will be it for Brown Boot for the next few posts... because after this, things really started getting interesting.)

The Hard Goodbye, Part IV

Long story short, I end up working at Bennigan's. It took like, five interviews ( and no, I am not exaggerating ) and a lot of people to say they would love to work with me and being friends would have no affect on our work environment... I soon started training. But before I even started training, my person left to go back to Utah to visit the family, among other things.

And I felt totally alone.

I felt empty.

The driving force for me to go down there was gone. She had gone back to Utah and I knew she was going to hang out with Brown Boot. She was entitled to. I wasn't allowed to have a say in them hanging out or not, and I totally understand that. They had been friends long before I had even been in the picture. Friends trumps relationships. In most cases.

I had a couple weeks down there with her before she went back home, and then she was gone for a week. A whole week. A week of me being alone with all these British boys.

British boys, you say? British? With the accents and the charm and the pretty bodies?

Yes. British boys. Have I not mentioned them yet? I don't think I have...

Technically, My Person and I were living with them.

*GASP*

Two young girls, living with a bunch of British boys?!? You have got to be kidding me! A dream come true!

Minus a couple factors. Minus the fact that I was still head over heels for Brown Boot, talking long-distance-true-love-conquers-all-happily-ever-after sort of head over heels. And minus the fact that My Person was with someone else at the time too... And her driving force for going to do the Disney College Program in the first place, was related to one of the room mates. Her fairy tale, knight in shining whatever, English boyfriend. Who she was not with any longer. Which was why she hardly spent any time there. Because she had moved on and found something better. Or so we thought. And maybe still think. It's up for debate still.

Anyway... My Person and I didn't spend a lot of time there. We maybe slept there a couple nights out of the entire time we stayed there. Before we moved. We'll get to that later.

Another reason for not staying with the British boys?

They were total PIGS.

Ants in the kitchen, never clean up after themselves pigs.

It was... *shudder* gross.

So, while she was gone, I was stuck with the British pigs (pretend that they snort with an accent in a gross gross gross sort of way). Which meant a lot of time spent by the pool. See? I even have picture documentation.


By the time My Person came back, I was training at Bennigan's, with a toasty sunburn.

And Brown Boot had stopped talking to me.

I remember that night very clearly, even though a majority of my time in Florida was a drunk blur. The day he stopped talking to me is burned into my memory.

I had a freak out moment. She was gone, I felt alone, and I was terrified that I had made a mistake. What if I left Utah at the wrong time? What if I went to the wrong place? What if I should have stayed in Utah, and tried to make things work with him? What if I had given up everything for... nothing?

That was the scariest thing of all. I had given up my killer apartment. My dog. My job. My family. The possibility of having a real relationship with someone that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with... I had given it all up, and I wasn't sure what for. A gut feeling? Really? WHO ON EARTH DOES THAT?!?!

Me. Apparently.

So, I started talking to him. Telling him that I was scared and worried that moving was a huge mistake. That I missed him like crazy and wanted to be able to sleep next to him every night.

The last thing he said to me?

"I love you. You need to stay in Florida."

Simple as that.

Let me tell you about the conversation we had on the phone days before to better explain my thought process.

He had a new best friend that I had never met. His name was Chris. They were drinking together, and I was drinking in Florida, and I called just to tell him I love him. And he told me he had found the best man for our wedding.

My heart was soaring! He wanted what I wanted. In six months, when I was done in Florida, we would be together and live happily ever after. Wedding bells had been playing in my head since the day I had met this man, and finally he realized the same thing and was actually open about it.

Chris stole the phone and told me how happy he was that Brown Boot had someone like me in his life. Someone that made him smile every time someone mentioned them. Someone that he knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with. And he even said that he hoped one day to find someone like me so he could be just as happy.

So in my mind, that phone conversation rang in my ears, a happy melody. I didn't think that this conversation was going to be the last we would have on the phone for years. I didn't think that this conversation I was having about wanting to come home was going to do much, except give me a chance to vent.

He told me to stay.

I didn't think that it was the end.

This was our time apart, our time before we were going to be together again and actually be together together. Holding hands in the rain until we're an old couple together.

He told me to stay.

I told him I loved him. And thanked him for letting me vent and talking to me about it. For knocking some sense into me.

And he said nothing.

The Hard Goodbye, Part III

My job application was in at the restaurant my future friends all worked at. Who knew that a place of employment could have as much influence on the rest of your life as this place did? It was insane! It was Bennigan's...

Never heard of it? I didn't, until I went there. There were all kinds of abstract things hung on the wall, things that most people would consider clutter. Bowling pins, pool sticks, pictures from old advertisements... Eclectic if you will. It had an Irish theme... Like an Irish version of Applebee's. Everyone that I had met so far either worked at this place or worked at Disney World. Or both.

I just Googled the location I worked at, and it's apparently gone. Like most of the things I had there... I'll explain that soon.

So handing in the application... They practically had to twist the managers' arms to get me an interview! Little did I know, the man I actually handed my application to would later me the father of my child. Crazy how things work out, right? I could have done this like the whole... "How I Met Your Father" thing, but most of you who know me, know who the father is... So let's not waste our time.

He was wearing a bright orange Bennigan's shirt that he had gotten from one of his corporate trips. He used to travel around the world, opening different locations and training the new employees. Sounds ambitious, right? Sounds like the kind of thing that someone else I knew would have been interested in. When I handed him my application, Brown Boot was actually standing up at the front waiting for me. We did that, before we went off with some other friends to go to the Simpson's Movie midnight premiere. So the first time I met him, the only thing I thought was, "He's cute." And I ran down and wrapped my arms around Brown Boot. He was my forever man. My lobster. And I didn't need anyone else.

The night of the Simpson's Movie premiere was fun, from what I remember. The whole time, Brown Boot referred to me as "his old lady". I was wrapped around his finger. I had butterflies the entire time. I didn't want it to end, whatever "it" was. He had made effort to come to Florida to see me, even though he was just a couple hours away.

It gave me a false hope that things could work. I had so many dreams about him coming down to visit every time he went to Georgia, which was usually twice a year.

I had dreams about he and I and a hotel with fireworks, and kissing at midnight on New Year's which we had never done before.

I had dreams about being a princess and finally having my happily ever after with my knight in shining whatever.

He joined in our jokes. He was part of the Florida family, even if it was the only time that many of these people would meet him. Him being there... I can't explain it. He wanted me to be there, to learn and grow. He knew, for whatever reason, that I needed to be there.

He and I had one more "last night" together. We slept, totally intertwined on the couch, like we always were. It didn't matter how big of a space we had to sleep. We would be wrapped up around each other, occupying the least amount of space we possibly could, not because we needed to. Because we wanted to. We couldn't get enough.

The next morning, still wrapped in each others arms, we said our goodbyes... Of course I tried to convince him to stay a little longer... But he needed to drive back to his family in Georgia. Across the border. We had to go our separate ways, again.

It was so hard to watch him go.

I walked him to his mom's white convertible that he had driven down for the night. I held him close and kissed him a million times. Each kiss getting longer, and each kiss not feeling long enough. With the top down, he backed out of his parking space, gave me one last kiss, and drove out of the gate, waving his hand as I stared off in the direction he was going.

I stood there for a solid five minutes before I moved. For some reason, I felt that if I stayed where I was, he would come back to me. I would see that car come back around the corner. He would get out, hug me, and tell me he wanted to be with me forever, and convince me to spend my life with him... which wouldn't take much convincing, let's be honest here.

He didn't come back. He was gone. He was headed back to Georgia, and I didn't know when I would see him again.

Had I forgotten that part of the reason I went to Florida in the first place was to get out of the cycle I was in with him? Or was I convinced that something new had started? Had I broken the cycle?

Questions filled my mind... I didn't care where I was, or how much distance was put between us. I knew that I was going to love him forever.

And that's when I broke down.

I had tears running down my face as I walked back to Jamie's apartment. I wanted forever with this man, and he kept going out of my life. Who knew how things were going to be when Brown Boot was gone? I didn't go to Florida to date. I went there to learn and grow and get on with my life. Of course I wanted to be with Brown Boot forever. Even if it was just in emotion. Physical closeness would have been nice too, but I just wanted that feeling of him loving me and wanting to spend forever with me, even if he physically wasn't there.

When I got back to the apartment, I hugged my person, and sobbed like a freaking baby.

Was this goodbye yet?

No... that comes a later.

But that night called for Grey's Anatomy, frosting, cookies, and wine.... And possibly a couple packs of cigarettes.

when doubt starts to set in...

There are a lot of moments that are engraved into my brain from the few days I had after I came back to Utah from Florida to pack up my small apartment... And all of them started running though my brain while I sat at my parent's counter top in their kitchen after I had brought my last load of crap to their house. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe, reminding myself that it was the right thing.

Between sobs, I talked to my mom and my brother. I had said goodbye to a majority of the family. We had a little, "Amanda is moving out of the state, time to say goodbye" party, which consisted of a BBQ and as much family as we could gather, but that still isn't something I remember very well.

I remember sobbing, resting my head on the cold counter top, and telling myself to breathe.

And listening to Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson over and over again. The words spoke to me. The explained my situation. They hit home, or Florida, if we're speaking in a literal sense.

This time that I was spending, crying on that counter, was the last time I would see both of my parents for a year. And that was hard. Little did I know, it was the last time I would see both of them living in that house.

It was the moment I realized what I was leaving behind. And that was everything. My materialistic belongings? I would only have what I could fit on the plane. And I was okay with that. I was prepared for the adventure. Or so I thought.

The past week was running through my head. My apartment was totally empty, and I didn't even have my keys anymore. I would be staying with my cute adopted sister in the apartment below me that night, and she would be driving me to the airport in the morning... And memories started flooding my mind, like they were attacking me one by one, trying to get me to stay.

Mike is this guy that I had dated off and on when I wasn't on with Brown Boot... He started out as a drunk accident when I was in a terrible emotional state, and just kind of stayed around. He was hard to get rid of... I knew I loved him, but I also knew that he wasn't good for me and that I didn't honestly want to be with him, which is why I kept leaving. Here he was, ready for marriage, and I knew I didn't want it with him...

Anyway, when I had made my decision to leave, Mike was dating another girl. They were pretty serious, living together. He kept telling me he would never love her like he loved me, yet he wouldn't leave her for me. Like he was trying to keep me around for whatever reason... There was a night when I was packing up my things and he wanted to come over to say goodbye. I was sitting on his lap outside on my balcony, looking at the city stars and having a cigarette in the sweet summer air, and he started crying. He begged me not to go. He was afraid he would never see me again. He cried again when we went back inside and talked on the floor of my living room. The bed he bought me for Valentine's day was gone. Everything was gone. All that I had was clumps of dog hair all over the floor, and some other items that I was still sorting through. He kissed me and I cried... But I sucked it up and told him to leave... And kept telling him that

I had to do this. I had to leave. And he kept begging me to stay...

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I had to. I knew that if I didn't leave, I would stay in this disgusting cycle that I was in with him, and that it wasn't going to be good for me. I needed to get out. There was something for me in Florida. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was there.

The morning after Brown Boot and I had our "last night" together played in my head. I woke up, totally wrapped up in him like no time had passed between that time, and the time we woke up in the same bed before that. Our bodies were totally intertwined, and I can tell you for a fact that since I was with him I have never woken up like that. I woke up smiling. We were both smiling. Sweaty. Loved. It felt natural, like we had been doing it forever, and like it would continue until the day we died. I could feel his breath on my neck and his chest hair tickling my back when we breathed... and each breath was taken together. I was scared of leaving Utah,

because I knew it would put me farther away from him,

and he was the big thing I wanted. If he asked me to stay I would have. But he didn't... In fact, he encouraged me to go.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

At the coffee house, people kept telling me that I wouldn't really go. They kept telling me that it was a joke. They didn't believe me. Which made me want to go even more. I loved my job at the time, but now I know I would never go back even if the owner asked me to (and he has, by the way...). I knew that there was some thing better

for me in Florida.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I have to leave.

I had images of the city blurring through my mind... The coffee houses, the trees, the avenues, the U of U, the mountains, the lake... All of was wizzing through my head. And it started spinning. Breakaway played in my head, over and over.... and I knew I had to go.

I have to leave.

Keep breathing.

I have to leave.

Keep breathing.

Before I knew it, that little adopted sister I keep mentioning was dropping me off at the curbside check in and giving me a kiss goodbye. We took a couple pictures with our phones, hugged, kissed a few more times, and I was on my way in through security. It all blurred past me... The only thing I remember from the airport now, was getting on the plane and listing to the Florida mix I had made on my iPod before I had packed away my computer.

Once the plane took off and I felt the pressure change of being up in the air and flying over the mountains, my mantra changed. I felt okay. I knew I could do it.

This is right.

This is right.

I'm headed where I need to be.

This is right.

This is right.

I'm headed where I need to be...

Palm trees.

the hard goodbye... part 2

Tears were streaming down my face. I was sobbing. It was one of the most romantic things I had ever heard. It was sad, but romantic. I had an insane combination of happiness and sorrow running through my body from the top of my head, down through the tips of my toes.

It goes back to that last season of Friends. Things ending. Different things beginning.

Brown Boot was my lobster.

And yes, that's another Friends reference. Look it up if you don't know, and then slap yourself in the face once a day until you've watched the whole series. Or I'll slap you slap bet style. (That one was from How I Met Your Mother... another show you need to watch if you haven't already.)

I'm not really sure of when we had talked before this conversation. I take that back. It was Mother's Day that year. Right after I had told him about losing the baby. I asked if that day counted for me too, and he said no. And then I hear from him while I'm getting things ready to move as far away from him as I could get....

The message he had sent me after he asked me about leaving, was something along the lines of, "I know you're leaving, and I don't know when I'll see you again after you go... But we always talked about having one last night together, and I'd like to see you one more time. Can we have one last night together?"

I sobbed as I read the text to my friend. She was in shock. I was in shock. My heart was in my throat. One hand was wiping tears away from my eyes, and the other was holding my phone and the steering wheel.

One last night... Would it really be the last night? Would it really end after this? I had always said that it was never goodbye with us. "Love is not dead" is permanently engraved on my wrist.

I said yes.

Yes?

Did I really say yes? Was I putting myself in that position again? That position where I would potentially hurt myself all over again? Destroy myself?

Apparently so.

His 21st birthday was July 16, and he would be leaving on the eighteenth to go down to Georgia to stay with his mom for a couple weeks, and then I'd be leaving for Florida a couple days after that. His choice. Not mine. Honestly, I would have settled to see him whenever, but the night of his birthday was his idea. He chose to be with me one last night instead of going out and drinking like crazy with his friends. He picked me.

I spent all day getting ready. I trimmed up my hair, styled it a million ways, tried on a million different outfits with a trillion different accessories, and played with my makeup. I showed each option to my friend, constantly running up and down the stairs to grab new things and try different suggestions. I mu

st have driven my land lady crazy.

His plan was to buy beer for the first time when he was done with work, and then come to pick me up. There was silence on both ends of the phone while he was at work. For a while I was nervous that he would back out. That I would have wasted a day getting ready to have one last night that would never happen. Something that would have only happened in my dreams. I waited down in my friend's apartment. I sat on her couch, and we talked, wasting time and waiting for my phone to make a noise and let me know that he still wanted this as much as I did.

And then my phone buzzed and danced on the table around 10PM. He was on his way. And he'd call me when he was there. My heart jumped again into my throat. That seemed to be its new home. It didn't want to stay down in my chest. Good thing hearts aren't colostrophobic, because mine seemed to spend more time making its presence known in smaller areas of my body.

By the time he called me, he was already at my door upstairs. And it was time for me to have my staircase moment. You know what I'm talking about. In a lot of movies, the girl has her staircase moment, where the camera catches her walking on the stairs, and that's when the guy gets hit with a brick and realizes that he is in love with her. My friend kissed me on the cheek and wished me luck.

I opened her door and turned towards that staircase. Two flights. Thirty seconds. About a dozen stairs. I could make it. I took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other, and reminded myself to keep breathing. I focused on the smaller details of that hallway and the stairs of my 1920's apartment building... The worn carpet... The old light fixtures... The window that didn't open between the first and second flight... and then I saw him.

I swear, angels started singing in my head. My heart fluttered, and butterflies multiplied in my stomach. And the biggest smile spread across my face. There were a few times I had felt this way, and every time it was when I saw him. He looked good. It had only been a couple months since I had seen him, and to me he always looked good. He was wearing his hat and jacket and work polo, which was one of the few times you could actually catch him in a polo. He was holding his first six pack in his hand with a huge grin on his face, and a smile in his eyes. And he was wearing the brown boots.

Before I knew it, I was in his arms. I felt his scruff against my cheek, and smelled work in his clothes. He was warm... Cold from the summer air outside, but warm once our bodies made contact. And he kissed me like he always had, a hand up in my hair, pulling me in closer. He always kissed me like he meant it.

I showed him my empty apartment, and that was the moment he realized that I was really leaving. We didn't have a whole lot of memories in that apartment. Enough for him to remember what it looked like when I actually had stuff in it. Enough for him to recognize that once I left that place, I would never go back. My life was changing before his very eyes. I was growing up.

We drove separately so that I could leave when I needed to the next morning, and he could focus on getting things ready for Georgia. I met him at the front door and we tiptoed our way down to his bedroom.

I had only been in this bedroom one time before, and that was right before Mother's Day. Then, we couldn't stay in there for long, because we both knew where we would end up if we stayed down there. The quilt I made him was still on his bed. The stuffed animals I gave him were still in his room...

Now I don't need to tell you what happened between the two of us in that room. I can tell you that it felt like no time had passed between the last time and that night. We stayed up all night talking and making love like we had done so many times before. It didn't feel like goodbye. It felt perfect. It felt right. It felt like that was where I was supposed to be at that moment in time. I felt beautiful. I felt loved. I felt complete. That one thing that I knew I was missing had been found again. But I knew that we both still had to get on our planes when the time came.

The next morning, he gave me a pair of PJ pants to wear and a shirt. We talked for a couple hours that morning and decided that we were going to see Transformers that day... A date. A goodbye date? Or something? Whatever. It was like old times, but different. Something was changing. We were evolving.

I hate to tell you this.... But with Brown Boot and I saying goodbye? There is a part 3. He promised to see me when I moved to Florida while he was still in Georgia.

I told you, it was never goodbye.

the hard goodbye... part 1

There I was. In the middle of my living room floor. My furniture was gone. All that was left were some items in my kitchen so I could eat, my CD player and my TV and DVD player so I could have some entertainment.... some good quality entertainment.

I'll get to what I was doing in the middle of the floor in a minute, but first I need to explain some things...

My brothers and my dad had come to my apartment to take the big items away and haul them away to my parent's house. My bed? Gone. My couch? Gone. My coffee table? Gone. My dresser? Gone. I had piles of clothes to sort through, dishes and whatever kitchen stuff I had to pack and send to my parents, and some personal items. Where was I sleeping? My friend, and adopted little sister lived in the apartment below me, and ages before we had swapped keys and kind of combined our apartments, so if I needed to sleep or anything, I just needed to go down to my other apartment and help myself. We would snuggle every night, and wake each other up in the morning anyway, so it just made things easier. {sidebar, this friend is now in Africa, doing her first semester abroad. Pretty awesome, right?}.

My massive dog was staying with my friend, Brettley, who has now officially taken him as his own. Which was amazing. I can't thank him enough for what he has done for me, and he seriously has been an amazing friend.

So back to me sitting in the middle of the living room floor. I had been watching the last season of Friends, and if anyone has a heart and has seen the last bit of it, knows that it's about things ending. If you haven't seen it, I'm going to ruin it for you. And slap you across the face for not watching one of the best shows on TV. PS... Spoiler alert.

So, in the last little bit a lot happens. But I'm going to focus on one main thing. Ross and Rachel. The epic relationship of Ross and Rachel. Everyone knows about it.

I was watching the last few episodes while I was sorting through my clothes, trying to figure out what to donate, keep, and store. I was sitting, literally sitting on a pile of clothes, clutching my teddy bear, Frank Hernando, that Mr. Brown Boot had given me. At this point, Rachel had gotten a job in Paris, and was saying her final goodbyes to everyone at her goodbye party. Everyone except Ross. Because it was too hard. Of course he was offended. I would have been too.

Bla bla bla... The end up having sex, and they both realize they are in love with each other still. That's the thing that hit me. And she is going to leave for Paris anyway. I already know how it ends. Bla bla bla happily ever after.

But there I was. Sitting on a pile of clothes. Hugging the Brown Boot bear. My red, puffy eyes fixed on the TV, with tears streaming down my face. Friends was making me cry.

Remember how I mentioned my friend that had they key to my apartment? My door was already unlocked, and she came in to see that pathetic sight. Me, crying, holding a damn teddy bear... PA.THE.TIC. So pathetic, she actually sad, "AWE!" out loud. I'm not even close to kidding.

She dragged my pathetic ass out of my pathetic apartment. Dragged me to the coffee house I wasn't managing anymore, and made me breathe fresh air and sunshine. Did I mention that I was carrying the teddy bear still? Yeah. I was. Did I say pathetic? PATHETIC.

A day or so later, I had my mom's car and I was running errands. There were last minute things I knew that I needed to get in Utah before I moved to Florida. My sweet friend was with me still. Every step of the way. Sure, she wasn't very happy about me leaving, but she still supported me. She even went with me to get to my birth control.

We were leaving Planned Parenthood, after almost getting pushed off the road by an idiotic trucker (two years later, and I still remember that jerk...) when I got the fatal text message.

I don't remember how it started. I don't remember what the first message said. I just knew who it was from. When I saw his name on my screen... I was shocked. I started freaking out to my friend who had been there with me through the past year of my hell. It was Brown Boot.

He heard I was leaving.

He wanted to see me one last time.

He wanted to have one last night with me.

one week made it home...

It's been a while since I've posted, but that doesn't matter. Sorry! I've been a little preoccupied with things like... Life. And the other blog. I think part of my experience in Florida was trying to block itself out. So I'll do the best I can to remember, even though it has been over two years since it's all happened.

After that first night at Willy's I knew that I wanted this place to be home. The humidity didn't bother me half as bad as I thought it would, and I loved the sun shine. Did I mention palm trees? Because I love them. And the fact that there was a beach? I don't even remember if I ended up going to the beach before I actually moved there. But I knew I would get there at some point. The second the plane landed, I was home.

After Willy's, we finally got to go back to Jamie's apartment, for the first time, and the party continued. I met more people

and shook more hands and drank more beer. I slept on an air mattress in the living room, next to Eddie. Nothing happened that night... That mistake would come later, after a good amount of drinking.... Who knew that my alcohol tolerance would go up as much as it did while I was there?

The few days I was there didn't make it easy to go home. In fact, I was trying to convince my family to pack up my apartment for me so I wouldn't have to go back, which obviously didn't happen. My dad helped me book a one way plane ticket back to Florida so I could head back to Utah, pack my things, and say goodbye to my friends and family.

Before I left, I applied for a job at Bennigan's, the restaurant they all worked at, and who knew that a job at a restaurant would change my life so much. I'm still in shock.

We of course had to go to Disney while I was there. Because we were literally a mile away from Disney property, we had a lot of friends that worked at the different parks and could get us in for free, which meant a lot of time playing with the Mouse. I got to see a little bit of everything. And they showed me different things behind the scenes and told me different secrets.

All of it was magic to me. The last time I had been to Disney World, I was knee high to a grasshopper. I still believed that I was a princess, and carried around my stuffed puppy named Stacy. The only thing I remember from that trip, was seeing the green flash of light as the sun set over the ocean.

The entire time we walked through the parks, I did the happy dance. I smiled the whole time. I was giddy. I was a kid in a candy store with an eternal sugar rush. This was going to be home, and I was going to be the luckiest girl in the entire world. My best friend was on my arm, and I had the possibility of a new life. A fresh start. A place where no one knew me and where my life wasn't tainted by past relationships, that seemed to keep working themselves back into my life. No one would judge me for who I was, because they didn't know me. I promised myself to not have a relationship and work on knitting a sweater, in a Grey's Anatomy sense.

I honestly felt like all my dreams were about to come true. Totally Disney cliche, but I finally understood what it all meant. I loved Florida.

We watched the Wishes firework show for my first time, and everything seemed to come together. I think I may have even cried. Eddie sang along... Which was honestly annoying, but I guess you kind of have to sing along when you've heard it so many times. My heart was soaring. I kept thinking of all the possibilities that awaited me in Florida. If I wanted to, I could even audition for a role as a Disney Character. My world opened up. Wide.

The entire time we were at Disney, Manda kept saying that she loved going to Disney with new people, because it was it made the magic real for her again. No matter how old the person was, going to Disney made them a kid, and it was okay. It was fine to run around in a park and get excited about seeing people dressed up in costumes. It made it okay to believe in magic. It made it okay to ride around on rides, and to not over analyze every detail. It made reality disappear.... For a while it's okay. And when reality hits it hits hard. Again, we will get to that later.

When they took me to the airport at the end of the week I was sad to go. I didn't want to go back to the hell that I believed Utah was. I didn't want to say goodbye to everyone. I didn't want to see my life in boxes and organize the things that I would take and leave. If I could, I would have taken both worlds. I would have taken the snow and city life that I had in Utah, the real friends that I had, the coffee house I worked at.... I would have moved it all to Florida and combined the best of both things together. But that's obviously not possible.

I left some of my things in Jamie's apartment so that I would have more room to carry things back from Utah with me. I knew I was making the right decision, and if I doubted myself, I reassured myself that I needed to be with my person. I needed to do this. I needed to be in Florida.

I knew that Florida was the place for me. I didn't know why. But I knew that I needed to be there. Fate would later have it's way with me.... I would say goodbye to my past and welcome the future. But what would that entail?

Who is this Willy person, and what's his obsession with coconuts?

I hardly remember the flight... I remember getting off one plane... Getting on another, and then landing. And being extremely nervous.

My friend, my person, and possibly my soul mate was excited to have me come to visit. I couldn't wait to see her, that much I knew. In the days leading up to my visit, she had me talking to one of her friends that she had met down there through her new boyfriend. His name is Eddie, and he is a really genuine guy. She was already getting me to talk to people and get them to convince me to make my trip a little more permanent...

I remember the plane landing... and once they said it was okay to use cell phones and other gadgets, I turned my phone on. I looked out the windows... Dark. But I could still see palm trees surrounding the buildings... Palm trees. Florida. I felt automatically like I was home. My phone vibrated, and then screamed. Man, I miss that ring tone... It always freaked everyone out. Really, all it meant was that I had a text message.

"Let us know when you land."

It was from my person! I was so excited... I wrote her a text as fast as my little fingers would let me....

"PALM TREES!"

I finally noticed what time it was... Around ten. The two hour time difference still had me wired, even though I had been flying most of the day. I did have a couple cups of coffee... They said they already had plans for that night.... I couldn't wait to drop my things off, get ready and see what all the fuss was about with Florida... Even though I loved it already... Palm trees, for crying out loud! Not Pine or Maple or Spruce! PALM!

My phone screamed again...

"LOL you must be here... We'll meet out outside of baggage claim!"

"PALM TREES!"

"LOL"

I walked off the plane... Dazed. The air still felt so warm and humid. So much more humid than I was used to. It was like taking a drink of water every time I took a breath... but things like that were easy for me to get used to. I had my Strawberry Shortcake backpack strapped to my back and my purse hanging on my side... and it felt like I couldn't get there fast enough... I waited to get on the train, (a train? in the airport?) and my foot was tapping... I couldn't wait to see her.

I walked past security, on my way to pick up my MASSIVE suitcase, when I heard screaming... Good screaming! It was my person! She noticed me first, and I saw her doing our happy dance through the crowd of people... Dancing on her toes, and hopping up and down. Once it was finally okay to run, she and I booked it straight into each other's arms...

"DARLING!"

"I've missed you so bad!"

"PALM TREES!!"

"I know!"

I couldn't let her go... Tears started to form in my eyes, and I knew I never wanted to go that long without my best friend again. So much had happened in such a small amount of time, and she and I really needed each other.

Eddie was standing behind her, which meant that her boyfriend, Jamie was in the car. Even though we still didn't know each other that well, he gave me a hug. My person and I could not stop holding on to each other.... We made our way to grab my bag, our arms still wrapped around each other, and then finally to the car...

Jamie was waiting outside. We threw my things in and climbed inside is Mazda. The air was so humid! It took a little more effort for me to breathe.

"Fa...fa... family butt time!" Eddie called from the seat next to me.

"Say what now?" I had no idea what he was talking about... but once the rules were explained to me, this game, I knew, would be the death of me.

"Oh dear... we're getting her started early...." Manda, my person, groaned from the front seat.

Jamie just started laughing. They were all pulling cigarettes out from their packs, and I couldn't be happier. I hadn't smoked since before I left Salt Lake City. Windows down, humid air streaming in, and me watching the palm trees fly by as we headed to our next destination.

"Family butt time... Any time anyone calls it, whoever in the area that smokes in our little family, or whoever else is around for that matter, has thirty seconds to pull out a cigarette and smoke." Jamie explained. "No matter what they're doing. Seriously."

"They caught me when I was in the shower." Manda started, laughing at the memory. "I was wrapped in a towel, with shampoo still in my hair!"

"Gotcha." I laughed and took a heavy drag. I brought my favorites with me so it shouldn't be a problem. "So... how far away is your house, because I really really really have to change and make it look like I haven't been traveling all day."

"We're not going home." Eddie smiled.

"Uh... k?"

"We're going to the bar! It's part of your initiation to Florida, Love." Manda turned around in her seat to explain. "You have to go to Coconut Willy's. And it's on the way home from the airport."

"Alright...?"

"I want to see how much this girl can drink... Family butt time!"

"Come on, Eddie! I just finished!" Manda moaned as she turned back to face forward.

"I don't mind." Jamie pulled out another one and lit it with his zippo with a smile.

"They don't call me 'Two-beer Mandy' for no reason! Palm trees!" I squealed! I couldn't get over it, still. Everyone just laughed at me.

"Palm trees..." Manda echoed.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up to this infamous bar that Manda had been telling me about while we talked on the phone. Now I was going to see everything and everyone she had been talking about. She didn't say anything bad about Florida, aside from her own person experiences. But those were not typical of every person here... and she still loved it.

Coconut Willy's was underneath a hotel.... There were neon lights, blue and green, with the name in huge letters, and a double decker bus parked in the parking lot, and I could already hear the music blasting from inside... Karaoke. Oh dear... Apparently there were a lot of people from England in the area because of the college program too... Hence the bus sitting out front...

Jamie pulled into the parking lot and snagged a prime space up front, and Eddie called FBT, yet again, as we climbed out and walked towards the doors. They were already being greeted by people lounging around the tables out front... With the palm trees. Names and faces blurred... there were too many to try to remember right now. I knew as soon as I got a couple drinks in me, I would forget them anyway. It had been a long day, and I just needed my brain to stop working.

By the time I finally made it inside with Manda, Jamie and Eddie had already gotten two pitchers of Bud Light for us with four glasses. More names and faces and handshakes and hugs blurred into my mind as we attempted to make our way to the table. They had just pushed another one against two more. So many people. Palm trees. Florida. Home. That's all I could keep thinking. I took a sip of beer... and it tasted like... Beer. Not water, like it tasted in Utah. It tasted like real beer. I knew I was going to like it here.

My glass was never empty. After I would drink even just a little bit, someone would fill it up when I wasn't paying attention, making it almost impossible to keep track of how many pints were actually consumed. I don't remember the shots... I just remember being overly happy to finally be surrounded by people who didn't know everything I had just left behind, and to finally have a grin on my face. I didn't need to worry about running into people here. They were all new. They all had smiles on their faces, and were actually happy. New experiences. New life. New everything. Fresh start.

I stepped outside to take everything in once again... I deep breath in of nicotine, and a sigh of relief out meant only one thing. I wanted to make Florida home.

One little moment changes everything...

I was sitting across from my two friends, Brettley and Jesse.  I've been friends with these guys for years, since my sophomore year in high school when we were all in the same math class.  These boys have been there for me from the first boyfriend, to the last.  And even though we don't talk as much now, I'm sure that we'll always be friends and always be there for each other when we can.  In fact, as we were sitting at the restaurant, they were already doing me a million favors and taking on so much more than I ever expected.

We were eating pizza, I believe at Litza's Pizza, and they were giving me a ride to the airport for my first trip out to Florida to see if I liked it.  My bags were packed and waiting at my apartment with my dog... I knew if I moved I wouldn't be able to take that beloved puppy with me.  It was way too hot for him....  Not only would they be taking me to the airport, but they were going to take my dog for the week... and when I moved, they would take him forever.

"Why the hell did you date McCall??"

My mind had wandered.... "Huh, whatta?"

"McCall?  What did you see in him?"  Jesse had his classic grin on his face.  We had been talking about how things had changed since we were first met, and past memories... which seemed fitting, considering where we were headed in the next couple hours.

"Why didn't you guys stop me?"  I yelled at him, wide eyed.  "I was totally blinded and thought that I liked him, when he was the worst boyfriend ever!  You could have given me some warning.  Worst two years of my life."

"Well... Jesse did kinda try to date you first."  Brett shrugged his shoulders, and started playing with our straws like they were drum sticks.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, yeah.  That's actually how he knew your number..."  Jesse started to get a little shy.  "I was interested in you first and kept repeating it so I would memorize it... and he ended up memorizing it, and realized I wanted to date you, so he started flirting with you to make me mad."

"What?"

"Yeah.  He first started getting all cute with you because I wanted to date you.  And that's just how he was.  I tried to get in there too, but I was too nervous, and just kinda gave up... I guess."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing... My first boyfriend didn't date me because he liked me.  He dated me to piss his friend off.  This is the guy that took my virginity, that I wasted a couple years on, and in the end cheated on me and dumped me the day before Valentine's day... Oh, yeah, then he went on his mission...  Didn't even like me in the beginning.  What a keeper.  I sure know how to pick 'em.  Seriously.

My jaw dropped.  I took a couple breaths... "Are you being serious?  Why did you guys stay friends with him if he was such an ass?"

"We liked his house!"  Brett admitted without any shame.  "His parents were never home and there was always something to do."

"Huh... "  I can't believe he seriously didn't love me like that in the beginning.  What a liar.  "You could have warned me, still."

"Can you imagine how different everything would be if you never dated him?"

I never thought about that before.  If I never had dated McCall... I wouldn't have hung out with these guys.  If I had ended up dating Jesse instead... I can't even imagine how crazy it would all have been.  At all.  If I knew how he really was, and I never dated him, I wouldn't have met Joe.  I wouldn't have had my heart so broken...  I wouldn't have met the people I did, dated the guys I did... tried to move on the way I did...  My entire life would have not been like this.  I wouldn't have met my best friends.  I wouldn't be going to Florida.

We talked about all the possibilities on the way to the airport.  Oden, my awesome dog, was in the back seat.  My stuff was in the trunk... And so many scenarios ran through all of our heads.  Each one seemed so much better than the others.  We still talked about it as they helped me to the check in counter.  

I was completely distracted the entire time as I walked down to my gate.  I hardly remember walking onto the plane, or walking down the isle.

I was still in awe as I climbed into my seat for the long flight...  No McCall.  No Joe.  None of this would have happened.  I would not be here if it wasn't for them...  The damage they did to me, put me where I was that day.

I looked out the window at all the other planes lined up outside, and tried to take in the mountains, yet again.  And I couldn't be more thankful to the guys that messed up my head in the first place to put me in that airplane.

who, what, where, when, and... WHY??

July. 2007.

My best friend had left months before to Florida, and I felt miserable. Sure, I had my own friends. I had an awesome apartment in downtown Salt Lake City. I had a really cool job that would never pay me enough for the work I did, and I was kinda satisfied with how my life was going... But a lot was missing. I still felt empty. The lease was up on my apartment, and I could go month to month (with some extra money I didn't have involved....), I could find a new place, I could get roommates, or I could move out of the state. So how did my decision finally get made? Why did I do what I decided to do? That will come with some more explaining...

My head was a mess. I knew I wanted something new, and that I could do so much better than I had been. I had been in my dark and twisty place for a long time, and couldn't seem to pull myself out of it, for whatever reason. I let the same guys keep messing with my head, and it just seemed to get worse day by day. One in particular had seriously destroyed me, almost beyond repair, and there will be more on him later... or in previous blogs if you care to look. (www.notsogeniusmind.blogspot.com).

It took a lot of coaxing... Maybe I just needed to get out for a little while and see what was out there. Check my options. Listen to the advice of those that knew me best.

I'm not really sure how, but I decided that I was going to move out of the state. I'm pretty sure it was because I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of Brown Boot... Every time I saw the damn mountains, trees, anything downtown (especially the U of U campus, and sadly enough my own apartment...), bodies of water... Every time I thought about camping, riding a bike, or doing anything, I thought of him. Seriously. My life was tainted by him, and I needed to get out. I needed to forget. And I needed somewhere I had never been to with him. I knew I could never move on if I thought about him every where I looked and every corner I turned. That damn Brown Boot had been walking all over my life and destroying everything as if he were Godzilla...

Or an even better description would be the scene from "Lelo and Stitch" where stitch builds a city, and then destroys it. Mr. Brown Boot had literally built up my life, and was taking his sweet time destroying every little part of it. He built me up, and tore me down... I don't think he'll ever know the amount of damage he did. And I still don't believe that he knows he was a big reason why I left in the first place.

As for moving out of the state, I had three options. Hawaii, Florida, or Oregon.

My best friend from first grade lived in Oregon, where I grew up... and I was dying to live there once again. She had a place for me, she had dogs, and I already knew where stuff was around the area. I was more than welcome, and in fact, she had been trying to convince me to move back.

Someone who used to be a friend, but never really was that great of one... Actually, they were the worst friend I ever had to be completely honest. I'll talk about that stuff at some point. Only we'll change her name so that if she ever reads this, she won't get even more mad at me than she already is.... Anyway. Someone I thought was my friend had moved to Hawaii, and loved it. I used my best judgement, and ruled this idea out completely. I needed something a little less "stranded-in-the-middle-of-the-ocean-away-from-everything-I-know" if you catch my drift.

My best friend, that I had ironically met through Brown Boot, lived in Florida. She hated the Disney College Program that she had originally gone down there for, finally broke things off with a friend that was much like the friend I mentioned in my previous paragraph, and she had broken up with her boyfriend and found someone so much better. She had a job where she made plenty of money, and she was happier than she had been in a long time.They lived close enough to hear the fireworks at DisneyWorld, they went to the beach, and they had a good group of people, and a lot of fun.... She was still having just as hard of a time without me as I was having without her... And her boyfriend, who is amazing by the way, said that he would buy me a plane ticket to come visit for a week and then let me decide what to do. Maybe this was what I needed.

I took the bate for Florida. I needed my friend and she needed me, and some palm trees and sandy beaches wouldn't hurt either. Jamie, my friend's boyfriend, bought the ticket, and I started packing my bags for a trip that would change the rest of my life more than I could imagine.